If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
You Might Also Like
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Best seat on the street 😍
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
<- sleeps well with others
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.