In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
You Might Also Like
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I’m sorry…what?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*