If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
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Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
everyone’s a critic
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.