[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
You Might Also Like
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
incredible
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?