Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
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doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Traveler’s camo
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting