Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My brain is a bad influence on me
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.