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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking