YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
You Might Also Like
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted