If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
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[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.