Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
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*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back