[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Bike for sale
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
The fall of Netflix
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Lmao
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.