I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
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Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread