[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.