Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
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Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I am, perchance
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
This is me 🤣🤣
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
those birds must be on payroll
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now