[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.