All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.