Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!