Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.