most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
You Might Also Like
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣