I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out