I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!