Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
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Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Mornin
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea