“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
You Might Also Like
My kitchen overserved me.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”