I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
San Francisco has too many rules
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.