My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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Accurate
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The three genders.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad