Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Proctology is located in A55
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.