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Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Holy moly
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
He is just living hist best little life 😊