Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I wish this was real life…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
The French word for sex is croissant.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
True.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.