Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
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“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
So true for me
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”