me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
car not found
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’