I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
we’re gonna need another temp
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.