There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
wish me luck lads
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.