left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.