[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Who knew!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.