The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
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Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
my mind
You just read my mind
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.