I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL