[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
You Might Also Like
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.