Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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when dads have a rap battle
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.