Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
waiting for halloween be like: