I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.