Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
What number SPF blocks people?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.