Please donβt block me ππππ
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like βIβm your waitress, you literally just ordered thisβ and that is just classic her I love her so much
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merryβ¦CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASONβS GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driverβs seat headrest. If you donβt use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. Sheβs already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
ππ
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I thought $3 eggs π₯ were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My son just said heβs going to call me βSquishyβ to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
That’s classic.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.