Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.