me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
You Might Also Like
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“Wait, let me explain..”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
The best plant holders?
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.