My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
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Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
twitter is a journey
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.