“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.