never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.