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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?