Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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Hamburger Hinderer.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
work smarter, not harder
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Danger is very dangerous
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.