[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
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son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
so much to do
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
my dog when i have a friend over
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.